Freefall
by S.Woods
Summary: Epilogue up. Meredith has a miscarriage and now she and Derek have to find a way to deal with their loss.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! So, I've written other stories before, about other shows, but every time I read my stories after a few months of posting them, I hate them...so I delete them...impulsive, I know.**

**But, this is my first Grey's Anatomy story. I know it's angsty and sad, but you'll like it. ****Or at least I hope you will. **

**It's set in the future. Everything that has happened on the show has happened on the story too up 'til season 5 finale. Oh and George died, but Izzie didn't.**

**Anyway, on with the reading.**

* * *

"Izzie! Meredith! Come on, we're gonna be late!" Alex yelled as he waited for them at the bottom of the stairs.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Meredith said, hurried into the bathroom and slammed the door closed.

"Izzie!" He repeated impatiently.

"Ok, I'm ready, I'm ready, calm down," his wife said as she walked down the stairs. "What's with you today anyway?" She said jokingly.

"What's with me? Do you really think Bailey would _like_ to see me being late at work after what happened yesterday?"

"Oh, come on Alex, we've all lost a patient once or twice before, don't beat yourself up about it. Besides, you found him, he's ok now," Izzie said reassuringly as she rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb.

"I know, but I don't think Bailey's gonna let me off the hook that easily. Besides, it's not like I want to be _early_, I just want to be on time, what took you two so long?"

"Oh, Meredith wasn't feeling very well and I was helping her out."

"Where's Shepherd? Isn't he supposed to help her with stuff like that?"

"He had an early surgery. And, she's my friend and I'm here, why not help her? Geez, I don't even want to _imagine_ how you'll be when I'm the one with the morning sickness," she said with a chuckle as she gently placed her arms around his neck.

"That's different. You're my wife," he said and pecked her on the lips. "I _have to_ do it," he joked and she smacked him on his shoulder. "Besides, I thought Meredith didn't have morning sickness."

"I know. I guess it was too good to be true. She puked all morning, so I got her some crackers for breakfast," he nodded in understanding, but as he looked down at his watch he started to lose patience again.

"What the hell is taking her so long? Grey! Grey, come on, we're waiting for you!" He yelled but got no answer. "Grey, if you're not feeling well, then don't go, but don't make _us_ be late!" He sighed in frustration which made Izzie chuckle. He looked at her with a fierce look on his face.

"Fine, I'll go, you stay here," she said with half a smile.

Izzie climbed up the stairs and headed towards the bathroom. "Mer! Meredith, hurry, Bailey's gonna kill us! Or at least Alex will," she said as she knocked on the door, but she heard nothing coming from the bathroom. "Mer? Are you feeling ok? If you're not I can call Bailey for you if you want."

Still, no answer. Izzie tried to listen carefully.

Something wasn't right.

"Mer?" She whispered. And she heard a small and quiet whimper coming from inside the door. Izzie opened it quickly and saw Meredith looking as pale as a ghost, her eyes not really focusing.

"Meredith, what's wrong?" And she catch her just in time before her head hit the cold, white tile floor. "Meredith!"

* * *

She was just brushing her hair.

Just looking at herself in the mirror and brushing her hair, smiling happily at her reflection.

She wasn't really showing yet, not in any obvious ways. But she noticed some changes already happening. She just seemed rounder somehow. Curvier, even which she had never been before. And the truth was, that she liked it.

Besides, she had that smile that nothing or no one could take off of her face. She was happy. Still a bit nauseous, but she was going to have a baby with Derek and she was happy.

She was about to leave the bathroom when she felt it. A strong, shooting pain ripped through her completely unexpectedly. She gasped and sucked in her breath as her right hand flew to her low abdomen and she steadied herself with her left hand. _Not the baby, please not the baby._

The pain passed, leaving behind a wave of nausea. She slowly sat down on the toilet. She was shaking. Her hands and legs were trembling. She couldn't really tell if it was from the pain or the fear.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror again and the smile was gone. Her eyes were filled with tears and an expression of pure, sheer terror was looking right at her.

"_Grey! Grey, come on, we're waiting for you!" _She could hear Alex yell downstairs. _"Grey, if you're not feeling well, then don't go, but don't make us be late!"_

She let out a shaky breath and tried to stand up, but another strong pain on her back and abdomen ripped through her once again. She gasped as she put both hands over her stomach right below her navel and closed her eyes. _Please be okay, baby. Please be okay._

She opened her eyes and looked down. Her jeans weren't blue anymore. They were red. A deep, scarlet shade of red.

There was a knock on the door. "_Mer! Meredith, hurry, Bailey's gonna kill us!_ _Or at least Alex will,__" _she heard Izzie say. She wanted to say something back, but between the nausea and the raw fear she was feeling she couldn't find her voice.

"_Mer? Are you feeling ok? If you're not, I can call Bailey for you if you want"_

She tried to stand up again. "_Mer?"_ She heard Izzie whisper and she tried to answer back, but all she could get out of her mouth was a small, quiet whimper.

She walked towards the door just as Izzie came in, looking at her with wide, scared eyes. She tried to look at her, but she couldn't really focus. She saw her lips moving, but her voice was far, far away, as if she were in a dream. _"Meredith, what's wrong?"_

In a second everything went blank.

* * *

"Alex!" Izzie let out a panicked cry as she tried to put Meredith down without hurting her and put a towel under her head. "Come on, Mer, you're gonna be alright, open your eyes for me, Mer, open your eyes," she whispered quietly to her friend as she checked her vitals.

"What happened?" Alex said hurrying into the bathroom and looking down at Meredith and her red stained jeans. "Shit," he whispered and kneeled down next to Izzie. "Meredith? Meredith, wake up. Wake up, Grey."

"We need to get her to the hospital, come on," Izzie said as she motioned for Alex to pick Meredith up.

Just then she started to stir on the floor, moving slightly, moaning and mumbling incoherently. "Oww…mmm...the baby…it hurts…"

"Mer? Mer are you alright?" Alex said looking into her pupils.

She suddenly opened her eyes and they started to wildly roam around the room. She looked scared and panicky and Alex was sure that in all the years that he knew her and after all the crap she had lived through, he had never seen her so vulnerable.

"Blood, there was blood, and this pain, there was a sharp pain…my baby, how's my baby." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"How's the pain now, Meredith," Izzie asked.

"I'm not sure." She narrowed her eyes assessing her pain and she opened them suddenly, looking more scared than before. "It's crampy, I'm cramping," she said with a barely audible, shaky voice, knowing full well what that meant.

"Does it hurt if I do this?" He said as he pressed lightly low on her abdomen.

"Oww." Her eyes filled with tears.

Alex and Izzie shared a look that unfortunately didn't go unnoticed by Meredith, who felt her throat tighten finding it difficult to breath and her heart sinking deeply.

"Come on, we're gonna take you to the hospital. Do you think you can walk?" Meredith nodded as they helped her up, but as soon as she got on her feet she felt dizzy again and had to steady herself holding on to Izzie's shoulders.

"Here, I'll take her, go get the keys," Alex said to Izzie who ran down the stairs and went to get the car keys.

"You'll be okay, Mer, we're gonna go and take good care of your baby and you're gonna be just fine," he said as he carried her down.

* * *

**That's it. I hope you liked it. I think I'm gonna write one or two more chapters if you did.**

**Please review! I really need encouragment to keep writing!**

**Thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you all so much for all the encouraging reviews and story alerts (I guess they mean, you want to keep reading!). I'm glad you liked it.**

**Here's chapter two. It'll probably take me a week or so to post next chapter because I have my finals next week, so I'm pretty busy, but I'm really enjoying writing this, so, I'll definitely finish it and I'll try to do it quickly. ****Even more so if I get reviews!**

* * *

"Stevens, where _on earth_ have you been? And where are Grey and Karev? You're forty minutes late! Who do you think I am, your-"

"Dr Bailey!" Izzie snapped loudly drawing people's attention towards them. She didn't really care, though. She had something else on her mind right now.

Miranda looked surprised at Izzie's outburst. She looked troubled and she kept looking towards the ER doors. "I'm sorry, Dr Bailey, but Meredith, she's not…he's getting her out of the car…and we need to get a room…there they are!" She said as she ran away leaving a confused Dr Bailey behind.

"What? Stevens! Stevens, what's goin-…oh my God, what happened?" Miranda said as she looked at Karev carrying a very pale, blood stained and unconscious Meredith Grey into the hospital.

She went over to help him, but there wasn't much she could do while Meredith was still on his arms.

"She passed out on the bathroom floor," he said as he walked through the watching crowd, following Izzie's direction. "She wasn't feeling very well this morning, but we just assumed it was morning sickness. She hadn't had any morning sickness at all, though. We should have figured there was something wrong. Besides, she's already on her second trimester," he rambled guiltily, more to himself than anyone else.

"Here!" said Izzie from an empty exam room motioning for them to follow and they walked quickly behind her.

"Right, show's off everybody, go back to work _now_!" Bailey yelled at the interns and residents that were still staring at them. "And to think she didn't even want people to know she was pregnant in the first place," she said quietly, followed Alex into the room and closed the door behind her.

Alex placed Meredith gently down on the bed.

"She said she experienced a sharp pain and then she was cramping. She has been nauseous and vomiting all day. In the car she was barely conscious and she's lost a lot of blood," Izzie said quickly as they examined her and began to take her clothes off.

"How far along was she, Stevens? Three months?" Miranda said as she threw Meredith's bloody jeans on the floor.

Izzie nodded and quietly responded, "Thirteen weeks"

"Do you know if she's had an ultrasound already?"

"Yeah, they did," Alex said remembering the little picture of Meredith's uterus that hung on their fridge and how he had mocked them for getting one so early.

"We can rule out an ectopic then."

"_You can't see anything yet, that's not a baby, it's a spot! A spot on your uterus. You just couldn't resist being so close to an ultrasound machine and not doing it, did you?"_

_"Well...we wanted to make sure everything was alright," she said self-consciously._

"_You don't have to justify yourself, Mer. And shut up Alex, I think it's sweet" Izzie had said._

"_Whatever, but still…it's a spot!"_

He was suddenly brought back to reality when Izzie spoke out loud with a broken voice, confirming what they all already knew, "It's an incomplete miscarriage, there's still tissue in the uterus."

She took her gloves off, went to sit by Meredith's side and took her hand as Alex put his own hands on Izzie's shoulders massaging them lightly. "God," she added sadly.

"Could you call and book an OR? Tell them I'm doing a D&E," Miranda said to the nurse, who nodded and walked out of the room.

Just then Meredith opened her eyes slowly, adjusting to the light.

"Wha-, where…Izzie? How did I…Dr Bailey?" She said with a raspy voice as her eyes set on the woman standing next to her. She couldn't remember how she'd got there.

"Shh, it's okay, honey, you're in the hospital now, we'll take good care of you," Miranda said sweetly as she stroked Meredith's hair back kindly.

"How're you feeling now, Mer?" Izzie asked stroking her hand softly.

"I don't know...it aches…where's Derek?" She asked, still somewhat confused and not really sure of what was going on around her, why she was there or the reason behind the three pairs of sad eyes she could barely make out through her blurry vision.

"He's in surgery right now, but Alex's gonna go and find someone to replace him and he's gonna bring him back to you, okay?" Miranda said looking at Alex who squeezed Meredith's hand tightly and ran off to find Shepherd.

"Why do I have…an IV?" She asked looking intently at her arm, her gaze still somewhat unfocused.

"You lost a lot of blood, Mer," Izzie said softly.

Suddenly someone slammed the door open.

"What happened? I bumped into Karev and he just told me to come in he-" She stopped dead in her tracks as she saw who was the patient that laid on the bed. "Meredith…is she ok?" Cristina asked worried.

"Yes, she's fine, she's just a little confused right now," Miranda said.

"And the baby?" Cristina whispered looking at Izzie who shook her head as an answer.

"My baby?" Meredith suddenly asked panicking as all the previous events came rushing back to her mind. Her eyes tried to find something to hold on to.

"Meredith, look at me," Miranda said. "Look at me"

She did, and her expression showed she already knew what was coming. She looked devastated.

"I'm so sorry dear, so sorry," Miranda said softly as she kept stroking her hair back. "But you had a miscarriage. An incomplete miscarriage. And since you're thirteen weeks along, we're gonna have to do a D&E to extract the remaining tissue. Do you understand that?"

Meredith nodded sadly as she stared deeply into Miranda's eyes.

"I'm gonna go and get the OR prepped," she said and offered her spot next to Meredith to Cristina who had been sitting at the end of the bed.

Meredith looked at Bailey as she left the room.

"Mer?" Cristina said taking Meredith's left hand. She turned her head towards her, but Cristina could see she wasn't really looking at her. "Are you in pain?"

"Not much," she answered looking directly to the ceiling, still feeling a bit dizzy.

Not the one she was asking about, at least.

* * *

"Dr Karev, what do we owe this visit to?" Derek said lightly as he saw Alex walking into his OR with Dr Meyer, another neurosurgeon. "Dr Meyer, always nice to see you," he said smiling curiously at the old doctor and receiving a nod in return.

"Dr Shepherd, I…umm…we need you outside, sir," Alex said nervously.

"I'm in the middle of a surgery here, Karev, as you can see. What could be more important than a man's open brain on my table? I'll be done in a couple of hours."

"Dr Meyer will take over your surgery, Dr Shepherd."

Derek looked up at Alex and snapped "What? Who sent you here? Get out, Karev," he replied angrily.

_Shit_. Shepherd wasn't going to make this any easier on him. He didn't want to say anything too compromising in front of this bunch of people who didn't even know Meredith was pregnant in the first place.

"I really think you should come with me, Derek."

At the sound of his first name coming out of a resident's mouth in the middle of his OR, he snapped his head back up. Usually he would kick the resident out. But he was Karev, they lived together. He was one of her wife's best friends. Something important was going on. He looked at Alex intently.

"It's Meredith," Alex said finally looking into Derek's eyes, trying to make him understand.

With that Derek passed on the patient to Dr Meyer, took off his gloves and went to scrub off.

"What happened? Is she alright?" He asked impatiently as he washed his hands. He knew what was wrong, though. Karev's look said it all. He was sad, but not devastated and he seemed uncomfortable to say the least.

It was his baby.

"I'm sorry, Dr Shepherd."

"What happened, Karev," he asked much louder, waiting for a confirmation of his fears.

"She had a miscarriage," Alex saw Derek's eyes falling and his jaw tightening. He saw the devastation all over his face as he slowly nodded.

"Is she alright?" He whispered.

Alex nodded. "Yeah, she's fine. It was incomplete, though, so they'll have to do a D&E."

"Where is she now?"

"They're taking her up to the OR."

"Who's performing it?"

"Bailey."

Derek nodded and headed towards the door.

"Dr Shepherd," Derek turned around before leaving, "I'm really sorry, I know how much you both wanted this."

"Thanks, Karev," he said giving Alex a sad smile that didn't make to his eyes and went to find his wife.

* * *

**That's it. I hope you liked it. I know it's just a lot of facts and action for now, and not much insight on Derek or Meredith's thoughts and feelings on this, but I just wanted to set out the scenario before I start with the next part.**

**I still have a few chapters left for this story, probably two or three, but like I said, it'll probably take me a week or two to update. In the meantime, please review!**

**Thank you!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to everyone for all your great reviews, I'm glad you are liking this. **

**I've got the whole story written now, so I'll probably update quickly. I just like to wait between chapters so that you can tell me what you think.**

**I hope you like this!**

* * *

He had been late. When he'd got there, she had already been under the effects of the anesthesia.

It had taken Karev too long to find someone to replace him and it had taken _him_ too long to get out of that OR.

So he had just watched as Bailey and Stevens worked on his wife, through the glass window.

He knew they didn't have to do that. Miranda could have told someone else to perform this simple procedure. They were just doing it for their friend, because they cared. They were doing it for his wife.

And in the meantime he just watched through the window that separated them.

He could have gone inside, but he didn't.

He just couldn't bring himself to go in and sit by her wife's side as he witnessed what was probably one of the most heartbreaking surgeries he had ever seen.

It was his baby after all.

It was _their_ baby. He had wanted to have a baby with her so badly.

All he could think about now was of the night she had told him she was pregnant.

_He got home late after an emergency surgery. He had been expecting to find her lying on their bed, fast asleep in her pajamas. _

_Instead of that he found her fully dressed, just sitting on the couch._

"_Hey," she said sweetly as she smiled up at him._

"_Hey," he responded and kissed her on the lips. "You didn't have to wait up for me," he said as he sat down next to her on the couch, taking her hand and accommodating himself on the cushions._

"_I know."_

_He noticed she was looking directly at him with scared eyes, like she wanted to say something, but couldn't bring herself to do it._

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Nothing," she answered, all too quickly as she looked down and smoothed down her jeans with her free hand. "Nothing's wrong," she said a little quieter._

"_Meredith-"_

"_I'm pregnant," she blurted out and then took her hand out of his grasp and ran it through her hair without looking at him. "I'm just…pregnant," she repeated with a nervous sigh. _

_He looked at her in shock. They sat there for a few seconds, in silence, until she lost her patience._

"_Derek, say something, please," she said moving nervously on the couch and turning towards him._

"_I…ermm…wow," he whispered as he gave her one of those heart melting smiles she loved so much._

"_Wow?" she asked, finally relaxing and with a big smile playing on her lips._

"_Wow," he repeated, took her face in his hands and kissed her softly. "Thank you"_

But there he was now, just standing and watching her sadly from outside her room as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest and leaning on the desk.

She had just woken up and Miranda was talking to her, probably telling her they hadn't had any complications during the procedure and all of those things Meredith most likely didn't care much about right now.

He gave Miranda a nod as she walked towards him.

"You should go in there, she could use the company right now"

"I know" he said back and she looked at him with a, _'what are you waiting for, then?'_ look. "Meredith doesn't really like company in these cases," he said as a bad way of explaination.

She gave him a long, stern look.

"You're a fool," she said and he looked at her in shock. "I hope you're hiding something from me, 'cause it's either that or you're a fool."

He chuckled at Bailey's bluntness. She was right, though. And since she was just standing there, waiting for him to say something, he started talking.

"I know we can try again, I know we can. But…it was a surprise, it was unexpected. Beautiful and very welcomed, but unexpected. And I think we were both very happy about it, it's just…Meredith was feeling a little apprehensive about this being the right time to do it, but since it was already happening, she felt happy about it. At least I think she did…"

"You're afraid she won't want to try again." He shrugged.

"Not in the near future, at least."

"Look, Shepherd, that's something you two will need to talk about after you get through this. But right now? Right now she needs you, she just lost her baby and she needs you. Even if you're a fool."

She was right, he knew she was right, so he nodded and smiled thankfully as he walked into her room.

He took a chair and sat down next to her bed. She looked at him as he walked in, but then quickly turned away.

"How're you feeling?" He asked quietly taking one of her small, white hands in his, stroking it lightly.

"Bailey said everything went well," she said looking through the window at the rain, falling over Seattle.

"It did."

"When am I being discharged?"

"I'll ask Miranda."

He was quiet for a few seconds trying to figure out how to get through to her.

"Mer, look at me. Please," he asked and barely touched her cheek with his free hand.

And so she did.

But it was not what he had expected to see. He had expected a couple of sad and devastated eyes that would mirror his.

Instead he got two empty and very green eyes looking right at him, like she was daring him to say anything else.

"How're you feeling?" He repeated, hoping to get a real answer this time.

"I'm good. A little sore, but I'll be fine," she said breaking his gaze.

Suddenly he felt like he couldn't do this. He couldn't try to make things better for her if he was hurting just as much. He was in no place to heal right now and was way too tired to have to be fighting for her to let him in.

He was about to walk away when he remembered the blue post-it note that still hang on her locker even after they've got married 'for real', as they liked to call it.

"_No running. Ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens"_

_"No running"_

So he tried once more. "Mer… I'm-"

"I'm tired," she cut him off. "What time is it?"

"Six o'clock. You should get some sleep," he said, resigning to the fact that he would have to wait for her a bit longer.

"Could you close the blinds?"

"Sure," he said as he stood up and walked from window to window until the room was dark.

"Could you…could you close the door on your way out, please?" she said with a small hint of hesitation in her voice and closed her eyes.

Was she throwing him out? Was she really asking him to leave her alone in a not-so-subtle way?

He wanted to say no, he wanted to say he would be here for her no matter what. That they had to be together right now, that she didn't have to be alone.

But he didn't do it. He was too exhausted.

He just nodded and made his way to the door.

"I'll be around, call me if you need me"

* * *

"Have you seen her yet?" Cristina asked Izzie as they were both getting ready to go home for the night. It had been a long day.

"I was just there. And you?"

Cristina shook her head.

"She's not talking much, she just thanked me for everything as if I had helped picking out her clothes or something, she's like a wall right now. You should go and see her, Cristina. She needs you. She needs her people, and most of all she needs _you._"

_She just looked at her incredulously. "You're kidding me"_

"_Cristina…"_

"_Are you sure you want to do this?"_

"_It just happened."_

"_How can it just happen? Haven't you heard of something called birth control?"_

"_We just…forget, sometimes."_

"_And you're keeping it."_

"_Cristina..."_

"_Look, I know it can be a tough decision, believe me, I know, but we're residents, everyone understands we don't have the time to-"_

"_Cristina!" Meredith snapped. "I want this. I wasn't trying for a baby, but I want it."_

"_Is it what you want or what Shepherd wants?"_

"_Look, I'm going to do this. I'm gonna go through with it. And the truth is, it scares the hell out of me. I know I don't have the time and if I'd had the possibility to think about it before it happened, I would've probably given it a second thought. But I can't. It's done. And I think this could really make me happy, Cristina. For real, happy, not Meredith-happy. Even if it freaks me out. So I could really use your support here." Meredith looked at her expectantly._

"_Fine," she said after a minute. "Congratulations, then," she said reluctantly._

"I'm not sure I'm the right person to go and be with her right now. You're more…adequate for things like these."

"Cristina, she doesn't need adequate right now, she needs a friend. And besides, I was already there with her, and like I said, she didn't say much to me"

Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Derek came in.

"Dr Shepherd," Izzie said nervously.

"Hi, umm…can you…could you give me her clothes, please? We're going home."

Izzie cringed at the thought of Meredith's jeans. "They're not very…well, they're not clean, right now. I'll take them home with me," she said looking at him, hoping she wouldn't have to explain any further. Izzie could see the pain in his eyes as he understood.

"Oh…okay, I'll go get her some scrubs, then," he said in a quiet, sad voice.

He gave Cristina and Izzie a small smile and walked towards the door.

"Hey!" Cristina said, suddenly coming back from her thoughts and standing up. He looked a little taken aback by her sudden move. "Sorry, I…is she going home? Already?"

"Yeah, Bailey discharged her. It's a little soon, but she's ready to go and she's been lying in a hospital bed all day, I think it would be better if she slept at home tonight."

"Yeah, of course, I just, haven't had the time to…"

"You can go now if you want." If there was someone Meredith could talk to, even when she wanted to be alone, was Cristina, he knew that.

She looked surprised at his invitation. She wasn't expecting that. The truth was, she was ashamed of how unsupportive she had been during Meredith's short pregnancy. She really didn't think she was the best company for her right now. "It's okay, I'll call her tomorrow morning"

"Okay. Oh, and, thanks, Izzie. For bringing her here and taking care of her."

"Of course," she said as she waved her hand nonchalantly. "I'm really sorry, Derek"

He nodded in appreciation, gave them a sad smile and went to get Meredith some scrubs.

* * *

"Derek," Richard said as he approached Derek while he waited for Meredith to get ready. "How're you holding up."

Derek just shrugged and the chief nodded understandingly.

"She can take a few days off. And you can too, if you want." Derek nodded thankfully. "I just…I'm sorry, Derek, but tomorrow we have the Adler surgery, and I can't reschedule that. People are coming all their way from New York and-"

"I know, Richard, don't worry, I'll be here." Richard gave him a thankful smile, patted him on his shoulder and walked off.

"Ready?" He asked as he rolled a wheelchair inside her room. She looked up at him and gave him a look when she saw the wheelchair.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed. She looked so fragile and vulnerable, he felt like walking towards her, wrapping his arms around her and telling her everything was going to be okay.

But her look was so far and distant he didn't dare to do it. She would push him away just as she had been doing all day and the truth was that, right now, he didn't have the strenght to fight it. Even if he knew he should.

"I can walk," she said as she stood up, but he noticed her wince when her feet hit the ground.

He walked towards her and put a hand on the small of her back to help her to the door, but she froze under his touch.

"I can walk," she repeated, a little more fiercely this time.

The ride home was awfully quiet. He gave her a few a quick glances as he drove, but she just kept staring through the window.

When they got home she took a long bath while he went downstairs to get them both something to eat.

He had forgotten about the picture. He went over to the the fridge to get some milk and there was the picture. The black and white picture that showed what he had thought was their new adventure. Apparently he had been wrong.

He took it off and put it in his pocket. She probably wouldn't like to see it now. And truth to be told, he didn't either.

He was tired. She was on autopilot, she had been on autopilot all day and he couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't do it around her. He knew she had her own, weird, Meredith-like ways to deal with pain, but he could not take it, not for today,at least, it was exhausting. He didn't know what he could and could not do or say. He wanted to be there for her, but he didn't know how to, if she acted like this.

After forty five minutes he heard some noise upstairs so he went to their room.

She was in her pajamas lying on her side of the bed with her eyes locked on the wall.

"Here, you should eat something."

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." He wasn't surprised by her answer. He put the sandwich he had made for her on the nightstand and sat on his side of the bed next to her.

"At least have some milk," he said as he handed her the glass.

"Do you have some tequila to go down with it?" Her comment took him by surprise.

It wasn't a good one, it was pure irony, but at least she was acknowledging in some dark, twisted way that she wasn't doing 'fine' as she said she was.

"Mer, please," he begged.

She knew he was right, so after a moment she sat up slowly, drank it quickly and rolled over to her side again after thanking him.

He wanted to hug her so badly.

He wanted to feel her body pressed to his and place his hand on her abdomen as he rubbed her soft skin slowly, just as he had done every day since she'd told him they were going to have a baby.

But he couldn't.

So he just laid on his side of the bed as he tried to get some sleep.

* * *

**I hope you liked it. There are two more chapter left. Please review, I'd really like to know what you think.**

**Thank you!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all your nice comments! I wasn't going to post it until I got some more reviews, but the ones I got were very good and I'm still getting story alerts, so I'm happy. **

**Besides, I couldn't wait to post this and know what you think. It would be really great if you posted a comment, even if it's just 'good job, I like it'. Seriously. I've always been very insecure about my writing, so I really appreciate your reviews.**

**This takes place right after last chapter.**

* * *

Derek felt as if he had just closed his eyes, when he suddenly woke up because of a phone ringing.

It was morning already.

It was the builder; he needed him to go over to the house because of some problem with the color of the tiles they had chosen for their bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Dr Shepherd, I know you two are probably very busy, but we need you to see it before we-"

"I can't go today, Reuben," he said running a hand through his rumbled hair as he looked at Meredith who was still lying next to him with her eyes locked on the wall and her back to him. He didn't want to leave her alone.

"And Dr Grey can't either?"

"No, she can't. Maybe tomorrow."

"You should go," he heard her say in a raspy voice.

"Mer…" he said as he put a hand over the receiver.

"I'm fine, you should go."

He wanted to stay, so badly. But he also couldn't resist being around her, acting like it was any other day.

"Okay, Reuben, I'll be there."

"Thanks, Doc."

He looked at her back for a few seconds. "After I go to the house, I have to go to work, I have the-"

"The Adler surgery, I know."

He sighed.

"I'll be home late tonight," he warned her, hoping she would ask him to stay. But he knew she wouldn't. He was getting frustrated even though he knew she just needed some time. She was hurting too.

After he was ready, he leaned and kissed her on the cheek. She flinched at his touch.

"Mer…it's okay to cry. You should cry. _We_ should cry. I _want_ to cry. But I can't, not here. Please let me cry with you."

She gave him a quick look, but avoided his eyes.

As he was walking out the door he heard her quiet voice, "Good luck with the surgery."

* * *

After approving the new color for their bathroom floor, Derek found himself walking around the house looking at everything that had been done during the last week.

He tried to avoid the door down the corridor, next to theirs, but he couldn't.

He went in. It was going to be a beautiful room. It had a view to the lake.

"_A baby won't appreciate a view to the lake__."_

"_Of course he will."_

_She gave him a look._

"_Okay, well, maybe he won't, but _we_ will, in the middle of the night as we try to make him sleep. We'll be too tired and cranky 'cause we'll have had 24 hours of sleep in the last week, but we're gonna look outside and we're gonna see the lake" He said as he hugged her from behind and rubbed her still flat belly lightly as he smiled into her neck._

_She threw her head back giving more access to kiss her as she smiled widely._

_"Besides, he'll appreciate it when he's older; it will remind him of when he goes fishing with his dad."_

_She chuckled at the use of the pronoun. "What if it's a girl?"_

"_Well, then I'll have to take _her_ fishing."_

"_The baby won't sleep here when_ she's_ older. This is the nursery."_

"_So, what, as soon as _he_ grows up we're going to turn this into a gym?" he laughed as she smacked him playfully on his arm._

"_Noo. It will be time for baby number two then," she said playfully and turned to kiss him as he smiled happily at her._

But now there was no baby.

There were still no windows in the nursery, just a hole on the wall, so he took his head out and breathed in deeply.

There was no baby and he wasn't sure if there would be one. Not soon, at least.

She wanted babies, he knew she wanted babies.

But she'd said she wasn't sure she was ready. He thought she was, but since it was already happening, maybe it was only because she didn't really have a choice. But now, after this…she was probably even more scared. He knew her. It would take her a long time to even think about doing this again.

He wished he could do something for her right now. If only she would let him.

"Hey, Doc?" Derek blinked a few times before turning around, so Reuben wouldn't see his moist eyes.

"Yeah."

"Could you take a look at one more thing before you go?"

"Sure."

And with one last look to the room, he closed the door.

* * *

After a successful surgery he was ready to go home. It was late and everyone wanted to congratulate him, the family wanted to thank him and the Chief was bursting with pride. But the truth was he wasn't feeling much like a hero right now. Damn, he couldn't even take care of his own wife.

"Hey, Shep! Shepherd! Derek!" He turned around to see Mark working on the computer. "I heard you did good today, congratulations."

"Thanks," Derek said barely smiling.

"How're you holding up?"

"I don't know," he said truthfully and Mark nodded in understanding. "Hey, have you seen your wife around?"

He gave Sloan a confused look. "She's at home."

Mark gave him a questioning look. "No, she isn't. She's studying for my surgery. At least I hope she is."

Derek opened his eyes widely as he understood what was happening. "Where is she?"

Mark realized what was going on too. "I don't know."

Derek walked off quickly to find her.

"If you find her, tell her I'm looking for her!" Mark said, after all, if she couldn't do it, he'd need another resident instead.

What was she doing here? He had been hoping he could go home and be with her now. She needed to take some time off. She needed to grieve.

At least _he_ needed time to grieve. Didn't she?

He found her studying in an empty room.

"What are you doing here?" She looked up surprised as he walked towards her.

"I'm working," she stated as an obvious explanation. She understood his question, though, but she wasn't feeling much like answering it right now.

"Meredith," he insisted impatiently.

"Derek, I'm fine. I'm scrubbing in with Sloan."

"Come on, Mer, someone else can do it, let's go home. Let me take you home," he asked pleadingly.

"Derek, I'm not leaving. Dr Sloan is doing this great procedure and I don't want go home, I want to stay here."

"You had surgery _yesterday_," he said angrily. How could she be so nonchalant about this?

"It was a simple procedure, seriously, Derek, I'm fi-"

"Stop! Stop saying you're fine. It wasn't a simple procedure. You lost a baby. Our baby. And you've been acting like nothing's happened ever since."

She gave him a furious look and then looked away. She didn't need this.

They were quiet for a few minutes, looking anywhere but each other, considering what to say next.

"It was a fetus," she said suddenly without looking at him.

"What?" He whispered in disbelief.

"It wasn't a baby yet, it was a three inches long fetus," she said calmly as she looked down at her book.

"You don't mean that," he said in a strong, but low voice as tears from frustration, anger and sadness filled his eyes. "I know you, Meredith. We were happy about this. You loved this baby, you don't mean that," he said while he held a strong grip on her arm.

She was quiet for a few seconds, looking at his hand tight around her arm while he waited for her to say something.

"I know you. I know you, Meredith. Don't be like this. You don't have to be like this around me."

He was sure he was right, but he needed to hear it from her.

"Why do you want me to cry?" She said with a sigh, as she lifted her gaze up to his eyes. "It's almost like you _want_ me to crumble, like you _want_ me to fall on my knees."

Her eyes were filled with anger and pain.

He was exhausted.

He sighed in frustration and walked towards the door, but stopped halfway.

"I don't _want_ you to crumble, Meredith," he said looking at her as she kept looking down at her book. "I don't want to see you in pain, but you are. I know you are. I don't _want you_ to fall on your knees. I just wanna be there to catch you when you do."

And with that he left.

* * *

**That's it! I hope you liked it. PLEASE REVIEW. **

**There's only one chapter left where you'll finally get to know what Meredith's real feelings and thoughts are. The more reviews I get, the sooner I'll post the final chapter! **

**Thank you so much for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**This is the last chapter, so I'm just gonna leave you to it. Please read the note at the end.**

* * *

"Dr Bailey, I need something to do." Miranda raised one eyebrow and looked at her.

"I thought you were scrubbing in with Sloan," she said, although she knew perfectly well that she hadn't.

Sloan had come over to her an hour ago askingher if she thought Grey was ready to be working and she'd told him to find somebody else. Karev was in the OR with him right now.

She had seen a drained looking Derek Shepherd leave the hospital right before Mark had gone to her and she'd got a pretty good idea of what was going on. She knew Meredith long enough to figure it was all just an act. She shouldn't be there working.

"Well, I didn't," Meredith stated simply. "I want something to do," she repeated.

"You shouldn't be here. The Chief gave you a few days off, take them. Go home, Grey." Meredith sighed and looked as Miranda walked away while she sat on a chair at the nurse's station, next to Izzie.

Why was everything so damn quiet today? It was eleven o'clock on a Saturday night and even the pit was empty. She needed something to do. She had to stop thinking.

_"It wasn't a baby yet, it was a three inches long fetus."_

Why had she said that? What could have possessed her into saying something like that?

She wanted to be with Derek so badly right now. She wanted to take away all that pain she had seen in his deep, blue eyes, but she couldn't do that. She couldn't look at the sad look on his face after she had lost their baby. She couldn't even look at _her own_ sad face in the mirror after what had happened yesterday.

She just needed something else to do.

"Hey Izzie, could you take this patient over for me, please? It'll be quick, but I've been on for forty-eight hours and I need to go home and sleep, please," Cristina asked while Izzie worked on some charts.

"Nope, sorry I'm waiting for Alex and after that I'm going home."

"It'll be over before Alex's done, I promise. Please, I haven't seen Owen in days, come on."

"I could take it."

Cristina looked at Meredith as she stood up quickly and extended her hand towards her to receive the chart.

"I don't think so," she said as she shook her head.

"Cristina!" Meredith said angrily and tried to take the chart out of Cristina's grasp.

"You shouldn't even be here."

"Why not? _You_ wanted to work right after you lost _your_pregnancy, why shouldn't I?" Izzie and Cristina shared a shocked look. She hadn't mentioned anything about what had happened until now.

"Meredith, that was completely different."

"No it wasn't, come on," she said as she quickly took the chart off Cristina's hands. After she read it, she looked at Cristina incredulously. "Cut his face accidentally? You don't think I can handle a guy who accidentally got a cut on his face? Seriously?" Meredith asked in disbelief.

"Meredith, please, I really don't think you should go in there," Cristina said running after her and motioning for Izzie to follow them while Meredith walked away quickly, but she wouldn't listen.

"Hello, Mr. Truman, I'm Dr Grey," Meredith said as she opened the curtain.

"Meredith," said Cristina, catching up with her.

Meredith looked up and saw a bloody Mr. Truman smiling up at her, with a kid sitting on his lap and next to her stood his very pregnant wife. She felt her heart sank as her eyes widened. Meredith looked transfixed at the woman's expanding stomach.

"Dr Grey, is everything okay?" asked Mrs. Truman as she stroked her big belly fondly.

She looked up and plastered a smile on her face. "Yeah, everything's fine. Come on, let's get this started."

As she turned around to get the suture kit she saw Izzie and Cristina looking worriedly at her. "I'm fine," she mouthed at them and closed the curtain.

"So, how did this happen?" She said as she sat down.

"I was building a tree house for this little guy over here and it turned out I'm not a very handy man. We bought it for his birthday, so I decided to build it by myself. I guess that wasn't a very good idea, was it, boy?"

The little kid laughed and squirmed in his dad's arms.

"Honey, here, I should take Chris," the woman said as she took the little boy.

"He's cute, how old is he?"

"Fifteen months." Meredith arched her eyebrows at Mrs. Truman and gave a poignant look at her pregnant belly. "We're crazy, I know," the woman said smiling at her husband. "It's just, we met only three years ago, and we're not getting any younger, so we decided we should just…keep them coming," the woman laughed and Meredith gave her a wry smile.

"Do you have any kids Dr Grey?" Meredith snapped her head up at Mr. Truman's question.

_She was so tired. After a long day, she was finally going home._

_She had saved someone today, though. Well, not only her, but she had contributed to stop a young man from dying today. Saving lives felt good. Exhausting, but good_.

_She'd had a tough week, so now she was happy to be going home, even if she was going alone._

_She had to make a strawberry-ice-cream-stop __on her way, though. She deserved it. That's what Derek had said to her earlier, at least._

_As she walked around the market looking for her ice cream, suddenly she found herself at the women's care aisle. _

_She remembered she didn't have any tampons left__, so she went over to get a box. She would need them soon. At least she though she did. Sometimes she lost track._

_Wait. What day was it today? The 14__th__? Yes, she was pretty sure it was the 14__th__._

"_Excuse me, ma'am? I'm sorry, could you tell me what date is it today?" The old lady looked at the tampons box in Meredith's shaking hands and at her wide, scared eyes and smiled up at her._

"_The 18th__, dear." Meredith's eyes got even wider._

"_Shit," she said under her breath. "Are you sure?" She asked to the lady who looked at her with an amused smile on her face._

"_Yes__, I'm sure."_

_Shit, shit, shit._

"_Don't worry dear, you'll be fine." Meredith looked at the lady and gave her a nervous smile._

_That would explain it all, wouldn't it? Her exhaustion, her lack of energy, her crankiness. She'd even got a bit dizzy in the OR yesterday. She never got dizzy in the OR. And she had felt a bit nauseous at the smell of Alex's breakfast this morning. Shit._

_She went over to where she'd got the box of tampons and put it back. Instead, she took a few more steps and chose one of the many pregnancy tests that hang in front of her._

_Shit._

_Apparently she wasn't' only a life-saver__. It seemed like she was a life-maker now too. She smiled at the thought and headed home._

"Dr Grey?" The patient asked, bringing her back from her thoughts.

"Sorry, what did you say?" She said as she shook her head forcing herself to get back to reality.

"I asked if you had any kids of your own."

"No, I don't," she said looking intently at the man's wound as she sutured it.

"You should, they're great," he said smiling broadly at his wife and putting his hand on her belly.

"Does your husband want kids?" Meredith looked at her wonderingly. "Oh, I noticed you ring." Right, she still forgot she got in on sometimes.

"Umm…yeah, he does. I just…we just…we…"

She cleared her throat.

She hadn't even talked to Derek or her friends about this, she couldn't tell a couple of strangers.

She couldn't even get the words out of her mouth. Suddenly it became difficult for her to breath.

"I'm sorry, I'll be right back," she whispered and stood up quickly.

Izzie and Cristina were at the nurses' station. "Could one of you finish up for me, please?" She said on her way to an empty on-call room. She closed the door behind her and sat on the floor, shaking.

"Mer?" Cristina said as she walked in.

"I don't want…to talk about it," Meredith said as she took a couple of deep breaths and looked down to the floor.

"Okay," Cristina said sitting down on the floor next to her. "I'm sorry I wasn't supportive," she suddenly said. "You were happy, I could see that, but I wasn't supportive. I'm sorry for that. It wasn't that I wasn't happy for you." Meredith gave her a look. "It wasn't. And I'm sorry," she said taking her hand in hers. Meredith nodded.

"I was on my thirteenth week," Meredith blurted out. "I was starting to feel good about this. Happy. For real happy. I was beginning to grow a belly, you know. I felt pregnant, I finally felt pregnant and this happened, Cristina. I don't know what to do," she said desperately.

"Go home, Mer. You don't do this anymore, remember? You don't drown anymore. You swim. And in order to swim you need to grieve, to cry. Hell, even I cried." Meredith gave her a small smile remembering Cristina's sudden release after she'd lost her own pregnancy years ago. "Come on, let's go," she said standing up and giving Meredith her hand to help her up.

She looked up at her friend and took it.

* * *

He opened his eyes when he heard her come in, "Hey."

She jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. She thought he was sleeping.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," she said quietly, put her jacket on a chair and took her shoes off.

"You didn't. I thought you were scrubbing in with Sloan."

She shrugged. "It didn't happen." He nodded.

She looked different, drained, smaller, somehow.

"How's everything going with the house?" She asked remembering the call he'd got that morning.

"Good, it looks good."

She nodded.

"I'm gonna go downstairs to get some coffee, do you want anything?" He shook his head and she went down to the kitchen.

He didn't know what to do. Should he go to the kitchen? Should he wait for her? Should he try to get some sleep?

After a few minutes there was a glass breaking noise coming from downstairs.

"Shit!" He heard her say.

For a moment there was silence and he sat up waiting for a second, before he heard a sob breaking loose.

* * *

Meredith walked aimlessly around the kitchen waiting for the coffee to be ready. She was exhausted.

Cristina had insisted in driving her home and she had let her. She hadn't felt like driving.

She didn't actually feel like doing anything today, but she had come out of bed anyway and had gone to work looking for something that would keep her mind occupied. But that hadn't gone very well either.

She knew she shouldn't have left the house that afternoon, but she also knew she couldn't lie alone on that bed for the rest of the day thinking about everything that could have been.

Or about how ironic it was that the last time she had been lying there had been yesterday morning, when Derek had woken her up with a goodbye kiss on her lips as he stroked her growing bulge lightly.

Or that the last time she had been in the shower had been right after he had left and she had smiled happily at her new figure on the mirror after she got out of her pajamas.

And now she stood in the kitchen looking at the empty place on the outside of the fridge's door right next to one of Izzie's recipes. That's were Derek had put the sonogram weeks ago. He had probably taken it off. She hadn't even noticed it wasn't there that afternoon.

"_I have a surprise for you__," he said mischievously as he waited for her outside of her locker room one morning_

"_You do?" She said smiling back at him. He nodded mysteriously. "Oh, does it involve your craniotomy this afternoon, 'cause I'd love to scrub in," she said excitedly._

_He shook his head at her. "No, sorry, Stevens's scrubbing in with me."_

_She looked disappointed. "Izzie? But Izzie doesn't even like neuro, come on."_

"_She has to learn too and besides, I can't take a case away from her just because you want it. People would get suspicious."_

_"We're married, they can be as suspicious as they want, I don't care."_

_He shook his head, "No, sorry. But, come on, follow me, I still have a surprise for you," he said as he took her hand and made her follow him._

"_Derek, is this about sex? 'Cause you know, I'm a busy woman, you can't expect me to just go and-" She shut up as he turned around outside the door of an exam room._

"_No, this isn't about sex, either. I found something today and I thought we could use it." She gave him a questioning look._

"_Are you sure this isn't about sex?" She asked smiling and he chuckled while letting her in._

"_Yes, I'm sure," he said as he closed the door behind them. "What do you think?"_

"_It's an ultrasound machine," she said smiling broadly at him._

"_I know," he smiled back. "Wanna see our baby?" Her whole face lit up and she laid down on the bed._

"_You know we probably won't get to see or hear anything right? The baby's only five weeks old."_

"_I know, but who cares, we know it's there," he said as he rolled the transducer over her belly. "I think that's it," he said after a few minutes._

"_That's it," she said in awe. "That's our baby."_

_They both smiled at each other widely and he gave a kiss to her forehead._

But now the picture was gone. And so was the baby.

Suddenly she felt weak. She could feel the mug she was holding slip off her fingers and before she could react, it fell.

"Shit!"

She looked down at the broken mug and then up at the fridge's door again. Her eyes became wet and she couldn't take it anymore.

So she let a sob break loose.

* * *

He ran quickly down the stairs and saw her standing in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by broken glass. She was shaking uncontrollably and silently crying with her arms wrapped around herself.

He walked towards her and tried to wrap his arms around her, but she took a step back.

"Meredith," he insisted, reaching for her again. She was reluctant at first, but then gave in and started to cry harder. She took in a great gulp of air and shuddered violently.

"Shh, I know. I know."

"It was my baby. It was my 3 inches long little baby," she said while he rubbed her back smoothly. "It had a head, and arms, and legs, and I just…I just…" She let out another heart breaking sob. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm so sorry," she said in a strangled voice.

"You have nothing to be apologizing for, Meredith."

She shook her head strongly. "No, no. I lost our baby, Derek, I lost our baby an-"

"Hey, hey. Look at me," he said as he took her by her shoulders and bent over to be at eye level with her. "Look at me. This is not your fault and you know it, Meredith. This is no one's fault. You loved this baby, we both did. You could've done nothing to prevent this from happening, you know that."

She nodded and then tried to gasp for air, but she couldn't stop crying. She couldn't breath and her vision was blurry, but she could feel Derek's strong arms around her making her feel safe.

"Shh, I know. Breath, Mer, breath," he said soothingly, with tears in his own eyes while he held her. She let out a couple of shaky breaths.

"Derek, it was my baby. My baby," she kept saying from time to time between sobs.

They stood in the kitchen, surrounded by broken glass, just holding each other close for a few more minutes.

After a while, he took her to their bed, where they laid with her head on his chest and his arms wrapped around her.

"I'm sorry. You wanted to cry and I didn't let you. I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

She shook her head and looked up at him with puffy, red-rimmed eyes.

"No, it's not. I just…couldn't bring myself to face it. And I'm sorry if I made you believe I didn't care. 'Cause I tried. I tried to make _myself _believe I didn't care."

"I know. And don't worry, you didn't. I know you care and it's okay," he said softly as he pulled a strand of hair off her face. She looked deeply into his eyes, silently thanking him for knowing her so well and not giving up on her.

They looked at each other for a while and then she put her head back on his chest as he stroked her hair.

"We'll be okay," she stated tiredly.

"Yeah, we will," he whispered and gave a kiss to the top of her head. "We'll be okay."

* * *

**That's it! First of all, a million thanks to all of you for all your kinds reviews, you made me incredibly happy! **

**Second of all, like I said, this is the last chapter and it was actually my favorite to write, because it was the first one I came up with. Actually the first idea I had was the part in the kitchen when she finally cries, so I wrote the whole story trying to take them there, to that moment. That's also why I'm almost entirely sure I won't continue this story, I feel like it would be going nowhere. (I say almost just in case I come up with something else, like an epilogue or something, but I'm not promising anything.)**

**I'd really love to know what you think of this chapter. It's the one I had the most fun writing, so I hope you had fun reading it too. **

**Thank you all so much**


	6. Epilogue

**So, I came back. I know I said I was done with the story, but some of you ****told me to write an epilogue, because it would bring a good closure to the story and I agreed. Besides, I realized I'd left some issues unresolved, like whether Meredith would want to have another baby, or not. **

**It took me a while, because I didn't want to ruin the story with a crappy epilogue (which, by the way, turned out to be longer than I expected), so I really hope you'll like this.**

* * *

"It's been thirty five minutes, Dr Grey," the nurse said as Meredith kept doing CPR. She was tired and big drops of sweat were falling down her forehead.

She knew it was over, but for some reason she couldn't stop.

"She's not gonna die on me, she'll make it. She'll make it, come one Amanda, come on," Meredith whispered, more to herself than to anyone else in the room.

"Dr Grey," Miranda said warningly.

"Dr Bailey, she can still-"

"Dr Grey!" Meredith looked up at her with hopeless, tired eyes. She knew what she had to do. "Call it, Dr Grey."

Meredith looked back down at the woman lying in front of her.

She was just thirty nine years old and now she was dead because of some drunken twenty-year-old who had survived with only a few cuts on his face and a cast. She hated that about her job sometimes, she got to see all the unfairness in the world.

"Time of death, 6:17," she said as she stumbled backwards and left the body for the nurses to clean it. "I have to go and tell her family," she said, her voice weaker and quieter than what she had hoped.

Amanda had a husband and two kids, they were ten and fourteen and now she had to go and tell them her mom was dead.

"I'll do that. Take a break, Grey."

"I have to do it, Dr Bailey. I told them I'd do everything I could and-"

"And you did, but right now, you're in no shape to go and talk to the family."

"Dr Bailey-"

"I said take a break, Meredith. You got too involved. Look at you, you're a mess. Go, get it together, I'll go talk to Mr. Dawson."

Miranda was right, she _had_ got too involved. She liked the woman, she was nice and funny. Her kids were sweet; they loved her mother so much. And her husband was a good man.

There was something about the way he looked at their children that reminded her of Derek's look when they used to ponder about what would life be like, once they had a kid of their own.

But those conversations had taken place a lifetime ago, or at least it felt like it.

She went to the bathroom and looked at herself in the mirror. She had bags under her eyes, which were now filled with tears, she was pale and her lips were red. She looked like crap. She hadn't been sleeping much in the last couple of weeks and today had been especially awful.

She needed something to cheer her up.

She hadn't been up there in a while and it would probably make her think about all the things she didn't want to be thinking about...or _maybe_ it was exactly what she needed.

* * *

There was something about them. They looked so peaceful and worry-free. They were beautiful, beautiful little creatures.

And the parents, they were all glowing and smiling happily at their babies, like they couldn't believe this was actually happening to them.

They were lucky people. She knew better than them how lucky they were.

"Meredith."

"Izzie," she said surprised. She wasn't expecting any company.

Izzie smiled and stood next to her watching the babies.

"You still come here?"

"Sometimes, when I'm having crappy days. And you?"

"Same thing," Izzie said shrugging. "I heard Mrs. Dawson died, I'm sorry."

"Yeah," she said and smiled at the sight of one of the babies closer to the window. "You know who used to love coming here? George. He spent most of our first year as interns here," Meredith said smiling as she remembered how he used to drag her here every time she was upset over something.

"I remember," Izzie said with a chuckle. "He was such a woman when it came to babies." They both chuckled lightly at the memory.

For a few minutes they stood in silence, remembering, but then Izzie noticed Meredith's eyes were shining and a few tears had escaped and were rolling down her pale cheeks.

"Mer, are you okay?" Meredith sniffed and quickly brushed away her tears with the back of her hand.

"Yeah, I just…miss him," she said shrugging.

"Yeah, me too." Izzie looked closely at Meredith who tried to avoid her gaze. "But this isn't just about George, is it?"

Busted.

Meredith kept staring at the babies intently.

"Mer, what's wrong?"

She sighed, turned and leaned back against the cold glass. "I'd be on my sixth month by now, you know," she blurted out after a minute and looked up at Izzie. "I'd be having a baby in three months."

"I know," she said nodding. She remembered that day like it was yesterday, the look on Meredith's face, her red jeans, the ride to the hospital with Meredith drifting off every few minutes, the exam, the D&E. Everything.

"I think I want one."

"Of course you want one," Izzie said smiling reassuringly at her.

"Don't be so sure," Meredith said quietly, but sharply.

Izzie looked at her confused. Meredith sighed and explained, "I don't know, Iz. I _think_ I want a baby, but I'm not sure. I wasn't even sure when I was pregnant and now, after what happened, I just…I don't know if I can do it," her voice becoming barely audible at the last sentence.

"Mer, of course you want a baby, you've always wanted babies," Izzie said sweetly, but Meredith just shrugged, so she continued in a strong voice. "You shouldn't make what happened to you into anything more than what it really was, an _accident_, an unfortunate and very sad thing that you went through, but please _don't let it hold you back_," she looked directly into Meredith's eyes. "Mer, you deserve to have a baby and you will."

"It's just, I couldn't even take care of my baby when it was-"

Izzie cut her off shaking her head.

"Meredith, don't do that, don't go there. You _know _it doesn't mean anything, you know that. We're all scared of parenthood, Mer, of course we are. We're afraid we won't be good enough, of all the responsibility and if anyone tells you anything different either they're lying, or they're gonna make really lousy parents." Meredith chuckled at Izzie's wise words. "You'll be a great mom, Mer. I really think you will, you just have to let yourself be happy. You need to stop worrying."

"I just, wish you were right," Meredith said with a sigh.

"I'm right. Meredith, you've wanted kids for ever, you just have to admit it to yourself. You were so happy when you were pregnant; I saw you and you had a big smile on your face all day. You're building a house with two spare rooms for God's sake and I don't think you're expecting many guests in the future. Besides, it's thanks to you that I even have the possibility to have children of my own! If you hadn't thought about that when I had the chemo, Alex and I couldn't even be thinking about having our own kids. Someone who's not sure if she wants to have a baby doesn't do that and that was over a year ago. See? You've always wanted kids. So stop worrying about the 'should I', 'will I' and 'can I', because wanting is enough. In the end all a child _needs_ is to be wanted."

Meredith looked at her intensely as she thought about what Izzie had just said, "Thanks, Iz," she said sincerely and squeezed her hand.

"Anytime, like I said, I owe it to you in the name of my future children," she said and Meredith chuckled. "Have you talked to Derek about this?"

"No, not really," Meredith said shaking her head. "I think he's afraid to ask, after what happened. I know he wants to have a baby, so I think he's just waiting for me to say something."

"You should talk to him, I'm sure he'll be all McDreamy about it."

Meredith laughed at that and nodded, "Yeah, he probably will."

"He's a great guy."

"He is," she said and they both smiled at each other.

* * *

The rest of the day Meredith was left wondering about what Izzie had said.

She was right, she knew that what had happened didn't mean anything and that reading too much into it was a stupid thing to do, it had been an accident. She was being stupid.

But she still couldn't help but feel that she just couldn't do it.

Maybe _it was_ just fear; maybe it was just the normal worries of everyone who pondered about becoming a parent. But maybe it was something else. Maybe she really did not _want_ to have kids.

No. That was crap and she knew it. _Wanting_ had never been the issue. She _wanted_ kids, she wanted kids with Derek, of that she was sure. The thing was, whether she was _ready_ to have kids, whether she _should_ have kids. She didn't have a good role model, why should she be any different than her own mother?

But she _was_ different, she was very different.

Izzie was right, she worried too much. She was so tired of thinking this over; she just wanted to go home.

Her shift was over, but she had to go over some charts and she wanted to wait for Derek, who would be off soon.

After a while someone opened the door, she looked up and there he was giving her that beautiful smile she loved so much.

"Hey."

"Hi," she smiled back. He walked towards her and leaned on the desk she had been working on.

"I heard your patient died, I'm sorry," he said while tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you okay?" He asked looking deeply at her.

"She was nice," she said and she leaned her cheek towards his hand, "She had two kids and a husband. It was sad."

He nodded in understanding.

Izzie was right, he was a great guy. He loved her so much, she could see it in his eyes, he would do anything for her, he just wanted to make her happy. And she wanted to make him happy too.

"_I don't want to see you in pain, but you are. I know you are. I don't __want you__ to fall on your knees. I just wanna be there to catch you when you do."_

He had said that, that time, right after they lost the baby.

"Ready?" He said as he took her hand.

And suddenly it hit her. This was it.

She wanted to have a baby with this man and that was it. She wanted a baby, she wanted one so badly and she wanted it now, with him. Because if there was anyone in the world who could make her feel like she could do anything, that was Derek and if she sometimes felt sad, incapable or weak, he was always going to be there to catch her.

No 'should I', 'will I' or 'can I'. Wanting was enough. For one time she would stop worrying, because if she wanted good things happening to them, she couldn't let her fears hold them back.

"Yeah, I'm ready," she said smiling. She was so ready. "We need to talk."

He looked at her worriedly, "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, but we'll talk when we get home. Can we go to the trailer tonight?" She wanted them to be alone for this.

"Sure."

He looked at her with a questioning look on his face; she never wanted to go to the trailer unless she was planning on having pretty loud sex all night.

On the way to the trailer he noticed a change in her, she seemed more relaxed and content than he had seen her in months. She finally looked worry-free. It couldn't be bad news, then.

When they got there she got out of the car and he couldn't hold the question any longer, he was intrigued. "Mer," he said as he stopped her on the steps to the trailer. "What's going on?"

She smiled at him and took his hand. "Let's go inside."

"Come on, tell me."

She chuckled at his insistence. He was looking pleadingly at her and the truth was she couldn't resist those eyes. "Okay."

"Okay," he repeated looking eagerly at her.

"I think I'm ready. No, I _know_ I'm ready. I'm ready."

"Ready?" He asked confused.

"For the whole family thing, I'm ready. I want us to have a baby," she stated with a confidence and strength he had never seen in her.

He looked at her in disbelief, he wasn't expecting that. She was smiling widely at him waiting for him to say something back. So that's what was different in her, she was ready.

"You're ready," he said mimicking her big smile as he climbed up the few steps that separated them and gave her a kiss on the lips. "We're ready." He kissed her again. "Thank you."

They kissed once more. "Thank you, for your patience."

"Anything for you." And then another kiss.

"Wanna go inside? We should start practicing," she said mischievously and led him inside the trailer.

So it _was_ about having loud sex all night. Except this time…they had a purpose.

* * *

**Now, that really **_**is**_** it. **

**Please leave a comment, I see many of you have added this story to your Favorite Story list or to you Story Alert****s and I would really like to know what your thoughts on this chapter are.**

**Thank you all so much!**


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